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1 year ago
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Not Bright and Shiny
More like Blue and Whiny. If you came for bright and shiny.....just stop now. It isn't one of those days. I'm just going to wallow in the self-pity for a minute....a pity party if you will. I tried. I really did. I put up stupid decorations and everything. I had a plan.....I made crafts.....I had a plan. This year was going to be different. This year was going to be easier.....I had a plan....I decided. But today....I can't even fool myself for another minute. It's too hard....and taking too much energy to keep up the farce. February has hit and along with the winter blues....I have the third anniversary of the passing of my sweet Mama. How I miss her. I try all the dorky things that people who aren't grieving say to do....focus on the positive, stay active, exercise, do something for someone else.....did it all. No good. The next two weeks are going to be hard.....again.....still. We have the anniversary of the day I flew to say good-bye. We have her birthday. We have the memories of her last doctor appointment and her first visit from Hospice. Then of course Valentines Day....the morning she left. And then the memories of the viewing and all the people who had such sweet things to say about her. And then the funeral.....and the burial.....and the haze of days that followed. Watching my Dad grieve in the most unbearable pain. Then my trip home and having to adjust to the fact that I couldn't pick up the phone and call her. Seeing something in the store and thinking how much she would love it and saying "I'm going to get this for....." and then realizing that buying it for her would be pointless. All of this I have been working so hard to avoid thinking about this year. All of this I want to lock away and not feel year after year. All of this I would give anything to never have to experience again. She left such a huge hole in my life. It is always there but February it seems to be a little jagged around the edges.....completely unavoidable, no matter how hard I try. So if I don't answer the phone or email....I am still here. I will be ok. Just not yet. Just not for a while. And I guess that will just have to be ok.
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16 comments:
As you wallow make sure that you have plenty of chocolate. And remember that there are plenty of people who love you and are thinking of you. And each year it will get a little easier. It has been 8 yrs since "the accident" and my cousin (whom's parents it was) and I were discussing how this year it finally took all day to remember. Someday. But, for now you do what you need to do to get through it. ((Hugs))
Oh how my heart breaks for this unavoidable pain that you experience all the time and especially each February. I so wish we could be together making fabulous, ridiculous, memorable moments together. I love you. I know you know that. I will give you a hug soon. And you put up a really good fight this year. You get an A for effort for sure. For all that it's worth, right? Love you.
You don't have to be bright & shiny, you just need to be REAL, and sometimes that means raw & emotional. So sorry for your pain. I am proud of you for showing your vulnerable side, because I am not brave enough to do that very often. Love you much!
I'm SOOOOOOO sorry. I honestly can't imagine, but I'm still sorry.
Oh Sister,
I can't even put into words how much I love you! I love that you gave it such a good shot, I didn't even pretend! I did however wait till February to allow myself to "go there". I hate that we are apart! I hate that we have to deal with this, I know our Momma would have stayed if she could have! I cherish you and know I would amount to nothing if I didn't have you to lean on and learn from! I am sooooo grateful to our Mother for teaching us the importance of family! I am grateful to you for loving me always, just like she does! You amaze me everyday! One of these years, we need to have a V-Day where we try to cram all of our favorite things we did with Mom into one day! I love you!
(((hugs)))
Thinking about you and praying for you. love you
i'm sorry you're having to go through such a difficult time. i wish i could tell you it gets easier....well, it gets "duller", but not easier (i'm going on 17 years since my dad's passing). have sad days--it's okay. call me anytime :-).
I'm sure the pain will always be there and thats ok Lori. You are human and you love your mama, always will.
Thinking and praying for you.
I love it that you are so real and honest. You don't hide your feelings and pretend you are doing ok. You reach out to friends and family to help you through it...that's important.
I find your honesty refreshing. We need more honesty in this world. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and how much you are hurting. I can't imagine how that ever really goes away. Everyone needs a little pity party now and then. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
When we grieve very deeply, it means we lost a very, very wonderful thing. I rejoice that you had such a beautiful relationship with your awesome mother, a relationship so good that it's worth grieving over year after year. I don't have experience with losing my mother, so I could be totally wrong, but maybe February is a good time to embrace your grief as a celebration of her life and all the good she brought to you.
I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Hugs and thoughts are headed your way!
Wow, I can't even imagine. I thinks it's okay to miss her and grieve her.
Maybe this will brighten up your day just a bite - I nominated you for a Stylish Bloggy award :)
http://lovingeverysecond.blogspot.com/2011/02/more-features-and-some-awards.html
You put into words exactly how I feel today and it isn't even the anniversary of my momma's death yet but today I feel the pain so incredibly that I'm not even trying to stop the tears! They would want us to be happy but I think they would cry with us today too! My mom always cried with me. I love you guys ~ my grief over your grief is totally real now! Hang in there :)
I'm a bit behind in my reading. I wanted to tell you that because I'm right there with you. Tuesday will mark 3 years for me since my dad passed. Ugh! I have just decided to not listen to anyone. I'm sad, and that's okay. I loved my dad and I am going to be sad. Maybe next year will be easier. I don't know. But this year I am going to allow myself this sadness. There is a dad shape hole in my life. Be kind to you. Only you know how you feel. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are.
Here's to our folks!
Blessings,
Shelley :)
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