Good Grief

Grief what a funny sounding word. I can tell you though, there isn't much funny about it. In the past eleven months I have had the opportunity to contemplate things like grief and sorrow and their stark contrast to happiness and joy. I can honestly tell you that I've experienced both in the last eleven months. I have sat in a patch of sunlight and felt it warm my face (obviously this was months ago) and was happy. I have also sat in the same room and felt the overwhelming sadness of loss and a bit of regret. Regret, you ask....unfortunately, yes. But I'm not alone. There are very few articles and stories of people losing loved ones where regret didn't deepen their feelings of remorse. I am lucky in the sense that I was given the rare give of knowledge. I knew my Mom wasn't going to make it. Did I hope for the best, oh yeah. Did I help her fight...you'd better believe it. Did I know where that road was headed, yeah. Every month around the 14th, without fail, I am beset with all these emotions that I have no room for. They come in waves like the ocean, crashing down on me when I least expect it. These are the times when I have (finally) learned to cry it out. Just let go of the pretense of being "fine" and just feel. After a couple of days of purging myself of sorrow and grief, the sun comes back out and I begin to see the things around me that my Mom fought so hard to hold on to. I have learned that there are surprises in every day...good ones if your looking. And simple things like remembering the good times with Mom and appreciating her selflessness feel like a life preserver when I am going under. I have learned that one good part of grief is the way it has sharpened my memories. I have focused on times with my Mom that I never want to forget. As my heart heals I am thankful for the time I was given and the warnings to get my rear to Idaho. I am thankful for the people who have been placed in my path that, without their knowing, have made my burden a bit lighter. So on this, the 13th of January, I am looking for the good in grief.