The Day After

I will tell you that yesterday was harder than I ever thought it would be. I was unprepared for the wave of memories that crashed down on me. I thought that the blessed fog that enveloped us the day Mom died would have kept some of those memories from resurfacing. Guess not. Not all of them were bad memories. Parts of that day found us laughing until we cried...the tears were real...but so was the laughter. The Hospice lady (that we'd met only once...2 days before) was there doing some of the things that Hospice offers...like rounding up all the meds of the deceased. We didn't realize she was just outside the room when we jokingly pointed out Mom's narcotics on the nightstand. The uncomfortable way she rushed in and scooped them up is something I'll not soon forget...or the HUGE burst of laughter that followed her out of the room. I'll always remember the snow that fell during the night that made the roads hazardous for my Aunt Peggy who just wanted to come say good-bye before the funeral home left with Mom's body. I'll never forget making all those early morning phone calls to relatives and friends letting them know that Mom's plans changed and she wasn't going to be there for her party that afternoon. I still feel bad for the ones we forgot to call. The cute little valentines that the younger kids gave Gram the day before, are still taped to the picture in the guest bedroom where she could see them. The shopping trip to find something to wear for the funeral...sheesh...the worst shopping trip in history. So many memories...a lifetimes worth...filled my day yesterday. Some of the day was spent sobbing, some of it in quiet contemplation. Most of it was lonely. I wasn't great company at all...not too surprising....but Jim hung in there and tried to be supportive. Mostly I'm just glad to be done with the day...only a few more days filled with more memories to endure. But then, I have reason to believe, that it will get a bit better. The memories won't slice though me like a Ginsu. The rough edges of the scars will fade and the memories will be just that...memories.