Great Expectations

I have recently uncovered something I need to work on. Something that has really been holding me back. Let's see if this sounds familiar to you...(and if it doesn't, don't worry...you can still be my friend)...My birthday is coming up. In my head it looks like this; a thin me smiling and enjoying breakfast in bed that my hubby and kids brought up for me (it looks to be straight out of a magazine in it's presentation), all of my family and friends stopping by throughout the day to celebrate me being born, a glittery party, topped off by a lavish gift from my hubby. Has this ever become a reality? No....does the practical side of me really expect this? No. But is there some small corner of my heart that hopes for it every year AND IS DISAPPOINTED WHEN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN? Yes. Valentines Day (before it became "My Mom went to Heaven" day) same thing...In my head there would be flowers and a mushy card and maybe a poem written about me. Does it happen...ever....no. Will it ever happen...NO. Do I still wait for it every year? yes. After I ran in the Fargo 5K I had similar expectations. I honestly had no frame of reference so I will admit to letting my expectations go a little crazy. When I dared to let myself picture the finish line (because, lets face it...mostly I was sure I wouldn't even finish) I was SPRINTING across it. I had energy to smile and wave. I looked (and smelled) fresh and not red-faced. I was wearing a tiara (that happens a lot in my mind) and I had this huge feeling of accomplishment. The reality of it was a little more subdued. I could barely lift my feet to cross the finish line, my face was red (and HOT), I was sweaty and I smelled bad, there was no tiara on my head and I felt only the relief of being finished. Did that stupid fantasy of how it was "supposed to be" interfere with my feeling good about the reality of it. Yes, I think it did. It took a couple of days of some serious soul-searching to figure this out. I knew I should be so over-the-moon-happy about being able to say "I RAN A 5K"...instead I was just happy. After this epiphany I was able to readjust my expectations and indeed feel that rush of pride. A little late for the emotional finish that I expected...but definitely in time to help me see how destructive this has been in many areas of my life. I have tried to plan out every second of every major (and some minor) event in my life and when it doesn't go exactly as I saw it in my head...then it is all crap and I am sad on days that should have been some of the happiest. My birthday really is coming up (I used to say that to my Mom in jest to justify a purchase....) and instead of picturing this grand hullabuloo, I will be content to wake up. That's it. If God gives me another day to try again...to do my best...then I will be satisfied and it will be the best birthday ever. Why am I telling you all of this? Because you are my friends and I don't want my friends to be unhappy. I want you all to figure all of this out...before your 38th birthday...or your 60th birthday or your 85th birthday. I have wasted a lot of time trying to achieve perfection in a world where none exists. Talk about setting myself up for failure. Sheesh! From here on out my expectations will be simplified. I will look for the small things that make me happy and be content to find joy there. I'm pretty sure my family will appreciate being let off the hook. Now...if I could only find where I put my tiara...