Great Expectations

I have recently uncovered something I need to work on. Something that has really been holding me back. Let's see if this sounds familiar to you...(and if it doesn't, don't worry...you can still be my friend)...My birthday is coming up. In my head it looks like this; a thin me smiling and enjoying breakfast in bed that my hubby and kids brought up for me (it looks to be straight out of a magazine in it's presentation), all of my family and friends stopping by throughout the day to celebrate me being born, a glittery party, topped off by a lavish gift from my hubby. Has this ever become a reality? No....does the practical side of me really expect this? No. But is there some small corner of my heart that hopes for it every year AND IS DISAPPOINTED WHEN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN? Yes. Valentines Day (before it became "My Mom went to Heaven" day) same thing...In my head there would be flowers and a mushy card and maybe a poem written about me. Does it happen...ever....no. Will it ever happen...NO. Do I still wait for it every year? yes. After I ran in the Fargo 5K I had similar expectations. I honestly had no frame of reference so I will admit to letting my expectations go a little crazy. When I dared to let myself picture the finish line (because, lets face it...mostly I was sure I wouldn't even finish) I was SPRINTING across it. I had energy to smile and wave. I looked (and smelled) fresh and not red-faced. I was wearing a tiara (that happens a lot in my mind) and I had this huge feeling of accomplishment. The reality of it was a little more subdued. I could barely lift my feet to cross the finish line, my face was red (and HOT), I was sweaty and I smelled bad, there was no tiara on my head and I felt only the relief of being finished. Did that stupid fantasy of how it was "supposed to be" interfere with my feeling good about the reality of it. Yes, I think it did. It took a couple of days of some serious soul-searching to figure this out. I knew I should be so over-the-moon-happy about being able to say "I RAN A 5K"...instead I was just happy. After this epiphany I was able to readjust my expectations and indeed feel that rush of pride. A little late for the emotional finish that I expected...but definitely in time to help me see how destructive this has been in many areas of my life. I have tried to plan out every second of every major (and some minor) event in my life and when it doesn't go exactly as I saw it in my head...then it is all crap and I am sad on days that should have been some of the happiest. My birthday really is coming up (I used to say that to my Mom in jest to justify a purchase....) and instead of picturing this grand hullabuloo, I will be content to wake up. That's it. If God gives me another day to try again...to do my best...then I will be satisfied and it will be the best birthday ever. Why am I telling you all of this? Because you are my friends and I don't want my friends to be unhappy. I want you all to figure all of this out...before your 38th birthday...or your 60th birthday or your 85th birthday. I have wasted a lot of time trying to achieve perfection in a world where none exists. Talk about setting myself up for failure. Sheesh! From here on out my expectations will be simplified. I will look for the small things that make me happy and be content to find joy there. I'm pretty sure my family will appreciate being let off the hook. Now...if I could only find where I put my tiara...

Lately

So , lately I've been in a funk. It's true...go figure. I guess the prospect of turning my life upside down (yet again) is finally becoming too real. Usually I just settle in with a batch of chocolate chip cookies and ignore everything. But since I've been training I've tried to find a healthier way to deal with things. So...I've been finding projects. I didn't get any before pictures of the first one...it was hideous. It had the most tragic shade of orange stain on the cheap balsa wood. It needed my help. It practically begged me to take it home. This is the back...it is still the strange shade of sad.
I painted it blue, then let it dry. Then I covered it with Heirloom White and sanded it down. It turned out really cute. I think I will like it in my new craft room.
I needed a gift for my peeps...kind of a "Thanks for the love and Support" kind of a thing. I got some of the old blue Ball jars and various other supplies out of the magic craft room.
I wound the twine around the top of the jar, securing it with the hot glue every now and then. Then I filled the jars with assorted Dove chocolates.
A beautiful gift for my beautiful friends!
When I was at the Salvation Army Thrift Store the other day, I found this shelf for $1. I was jazzed. It's sturdy and well made....but if you are anything like my sweet hubby...you'll not want to see what I am about to do to it. See....DH HATES it when I paint over real wood. He can't stand to watch. It almost causes him pain. So if you are one of those types....you might want to stop reading.
I went to Home Depot (cause that is the only option I have for the next 2 weeks) and picked out some paint. It is the same exact paint I will be using in my new craft room and laundry room.
Then I sanded it down. I liked it before I sanded it...but I really liked it after it was a bit shabby!
Then I pulled out the trusty old black stain and globed some on and used a rag to wipe it off.
Nice and extra shabby now. Perfect. Since it is going in my new house I didn't want to put holes in my walls just to stage it.
So I propped it up on some magazines and the paint can. I used some of the accessories that are already in my laundry room. For my new laundry room...I am leaning more toward green instead of red. We'll see. I do love the finished shelf. Even if Hubby thinks it's a crime against all the is good and holy. He'll get over it....eventually....



I am linking to Thrifty Treasures and Metamorphosis Monday. Check out the projects there and get your craft on!!

My Best Day So Far

On Friday I participated in the Fargo 5K. I started training 12 weeks ago. I followed the Couch Potato to 5K training program. It was easy to follow...sort of. When I started 12 weeks ago I had 2 goals...run the whole way and finish under 45 minutes. I really had no idea how hard it would be. Physically hard...but emotionally difficult as well. I really had limited outside running time (despite my best efforts...dang rain) and I found it a lot harder to run outside than on my treadmill. Not something you want to find out the week before the race. I almost let it defeat me before I started. Lucky for me my sisters sent me some love and support in the mail and it got me through...to the start line. Here is my timing chip. Amazing little thing.....
Here we are before the start of the race. Heather and her hubby (behind the camera) and their daughter ran the 5K too. It was the first race for Dani and I. Isn't she cute!!
Here are the women racers. Heather is an experienced runner (this being her 6th race) and Renae ran the 1/2 Marathon the next day (and shaved 13 minutes off her previous time!)
The starting line. I didn't actually get to see this until I saw the pic. Impressive. There were 5197 runners/walkers in the 5K. That was a whole lotta people!
I'll tell you how nervous I was at the start...My hands were sweaty and my stomach had ginormous butterflies. I had to turn on my Ipod just to calm myself down. With all the participants jammed into the street waiting for the starter's gun...I got a little claustrophobic. People were everywhere. I do wish they had some kind of race etiquette...like in golf....don't walk in front of someones ball...be quiet...replace the divot. So for a race it could be, walkers stay to the right, slower runners in the middle and fast runners to the left....makes sense...right? It was hard to keep a pace and dodge the slower folks. There were amputees, burn victims, transplant patients and a bunch of us Fit Fattys. We were all there to prove something to ourselves. Mile 1 wasn't too bad. Heather had to remind me to slow down....I kept trying to run to the beat of whatever song was playing. Not good...From there to mile 2 was hard....not going to lie. I wanted to stop. I almost did.....thanks HH! The last mile was ROUGH!! I took small bits of courage from the people sitting along side the race shouting out encouragement to the runners. I took small bits of courage from the little boys and girls that lined the route waiting with their hands out for a high 5. I was SO ready to quit when Heather told me to look up...there was the finish line! I still wasn't sure I could make it...but I could feel my "angels" pushing me from behind....whispering to me that I could...just keep going....don't stop now. So I set my sights on the finish line and dug down deep. The people that lined the route to the finish were amazing. They encouraged us and held out their hands for us to slap as we passed. It helped...not going to lie...it helped a lot. And then just before the finish was my daughter, her bff (my other favorite teen), and my peep Renae. They were yelling and cheering and shouting for us. They loved us and they wanted to make sure we knew it. They were holding up signs for us (the one my sisters sent and the posters Renae made).
Crossing the finish line was a big deal. I wanted to do my best. Just my best....no other expectations. Just leave it all on the track. And I did. I had jell-o legs by the time I finished...but I had done it. It was over.
My Heather....she pushed me just enough...but not so much that I wanted to throw her under a moving car. I couldn't have run this race without her. There are a lot of things I'd not be able to get through without her by my side....encouraging me and loving me...win or lose.
Us...what a great team. These girls are the best. Seriously....I love them.
Dani and I ...our first 5K under our belt. She finished well ahead of me...but she has been training for 11 years. Not once has she been over-weight or out of shape. I applaud her strength. She is a sweet girl and a great athlete.
Dani and I wore our medals to church today. We did something that was a challenge to us...we set a goal and we accomplished. That alone is huge for me. I am happy with my results. I finished in 40:01 minutes. I did great for my first....I'm sure it won't be my last.

A Jolt of Courage

Two posts in one day!! Unheard of!!I just wanted to give a huge thank you to my sisters for the care package I received today. Seriously...this poster had the voice to tell Old Me to sit down and shut up. I can try my best and my best will be good enough. Good enough for them...and most importantly...good enough for me. They will love me regardless of the outcome of the race. I knew that...I just forgot for a second. They sent a poster and a bunch of running goodies. I can not articulate how much this means to me. Thanks guys....
Yes, I am Aunt Larry. Miss Lacey Lou dubbed me that and it is a name I cherish.
My little man signed it too!!
They all did...in their own way.
I love this more than I can even say.
If you had seen my shaking hands and tearful eyes as I opened the box you'd have thought I was crazy (if you didn't already).
And the card...icing on the cake....
I could not have better sisters. I cherish the support and love I get from them on a daily basis. Lost would I be....without we three....

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

Just a warning...this might seem a little whiny or self-centered...hey...it's my blog...there you have it. For those of you still reading, just let me explain this post. This is going to be a gut wrenching (for me anyway) look at the old me vs the new me. I need to talk this through an be able to see the progress that has come about even though the end wasn't anything like I imagined.

The Beginning The Middle and (almost) The End

Twelve short (or long depending on ones perspective) weeks ago I started training for the Fargo 5K. It was a big deal. I have never run in my life. That short lived 8th grade track team experience does not count....as I was only in it for the hoodie! I have been using the Couch Potato to 5K training guide and have had tremendous results. That, coupled with my bi-weekly Phatty Nattie classes, has transformed my body from flabby and unhealthy to firmer flab and a lot more energy. I am able to run a continuous 30 minutes on the treadmill (important to note the word treadmill here) and not keel over and die. I am able to keep up in my classes to...which until recently....I was unable to do. But that is not where the transformation ends. My attitude...my mind set...the things am sure I can not do...all of those have changed. The old me (the me of 12 weeks ago) gave up a lot easier. The old me was stuck, completely, in the All or Nothing philosophy of my youth. You know...if I can't do it ALL (that applied to every area of my life) and do it ALL perfectly, I can't do any of it. A very self-destructive and and demoralizing way of being. I didn't do it deliberately...not all the time....sometimes I'd just see someone doing it better/faster/prettier and give up. Other times I'd get so bogged down in all the little details that I'd get frustrated and quit trying all together. And there were times that I'd be cruising along doing really well (especially battling my weight) and mess up one day and quit because there was no point in continuing....I messed up...therefore I had blown it FOREVER! Crazy, I know...I'm not sure how I missed seeing the crazy before. But I'd like to be able to say that that was how Old Me coped with failure and disappointment and a perceived lack of fabulousness on my part. I didn't hold others to such insane standards....why did I expect perfection of myself? New Me (who is only 12 weeks old and still has her downy-yellow-fuzzy feathers) is tired of feeling like a constant failure. When I started to train, it was hard to give myself permission to not be a perfect runner. I did stick to the training schedule like a religion at first. I knew in the beginning it would be easy for Old Me to take over and give up if I missed a day of running. As I kept achieving small goals...running 10 consecutive minutes....then 20...and finally 30 the voice of Old Me was harder and harder to hear. There were times when I only ran 2 days in a week instead of the recommended 3. But New Me just recommitted to 3 for the next week and moved forward. I really thought I had achieved New Me Nirvana....I thought for sure that Old Me had been pushed aside far enough not to crowd New Me. I was ready to try my hand at running outside. After all that is where the race was to be held. Not, unfortunately, in the relative safety of my basement. I was ready. I could do this! Only problem was...it was raining. And it rained for 2 stinking weeks. Well, it did give me more time on the treadmill....but it didn't prepare me for the aching reality check I was about to experience. One week until race day I laced up my sneakers and headed out to try my run in the glorious light of day. The road around Lake Alice is 1.1 miles. Three laps would be just over the 5K distance and I knew I could run at least 2 laps....after all...that is how far I was running in 30 minutes on the treadmill (at an approximate speed of 4.5). Easy-peasy. Or NOT! One of my BFF's and a very big reason for the sudden interest in running a 5K volunteered to run with me. She too will be running the same 5K with her daughter and hubby (not her first race either). We started out strong. I timed my pace to the song "Papa Loves Mambo" by Perry Como (off the Ocean's 11 soundtrack) just like on the treadmill. Good grief...a quarter of the way around...I. Can. Not. Breathe. Literally....I am wheezing and gasping for air. I started to panic a bit. "What the hell is happening"...I wonder to myself (or maybe out loud...I honestly don't remember). I have to (and I mean have to) slow to a walk to get this under control before we have a MAJOR freak out. Heather is very supportive and tries to keep my mood light. I hoped she didn't see the panic, self-recrimination and doubt laying just below the surface. After I was merely panting we started to run again. No dice...more wheezing, coughing...sputtering. Heather was great. "Shake it off" she recommended. We finished the 3 laps and I went home in mental agony. What had gone wrong. Why was I unable to run outside. Looking at the lake in my mind...I just felt like I should be able to do this. The tree lined street, the beautiful sweet smelling lilacs, the baby geese...all cheering me on...why was I denied? Old Me came to the front of my mind. "Give up!" she demanded. "You can't do this," she accused. Little, young...unsure New Me tried to fight back. "Maybe," she pleaded. "Next time could be different," she encouraged. On Tuesday night...I tried again. I did get farther around the lake...but not even one full lap...really...not even half. We finished our 3 laps...walking most of it again and I headed home...trying to ignore the voice of Old Me yelling inside my head. I will admit to shedding a few tears. I ended the day on my knees in prayer. Not praying to run...praying to not give up. I need strength to continue with this farce of a goal. Old Me knows I will fail...she tells me that constantly. She is unrelenting in her torment. New Me is just strong enough to be heard over the commotion. "Try"...is the only advice she has to offer. I will be running tonight. One lap is the goal. Just one....I've got to find the air for one tiny little lap. I've also got to find a way to not panic. So what if I don't run the whole race...right? Will the world stop spinning, will my friends and family be disappointed? No...so why all the big deal?? Just because that was the original goal does not mean that the goal can't change...right? I'm a mess in my head. I've got to get it straightened out before I drive myself crazy. I can't start out defeated...or I will be. How does that quote go...? "If you think you can't you're right"...something like that. So for today and tomorrow and race day....the mantra will be....JUST TRY. No one can fault you if you do the best you can. And if my best isn't good enough...I'll just have to train harder and kick it's ass next time. The only one telling me I can't....is me....she's a mean bugger, but I think I can take her. So that is the end. That is all I can do. Try. I'll let you know how it goes.

All Sorts of Things

I have been up to all sorts of things lately. I had a whollipin' good cry the day before Mother's Day. I didn't mean to. I hadn't planned on it. It just sort of snuck up on me. Oh well. Then on Mother's Day my Missionary called home. He sounded so good. I loved talking to my baby. But all too soon it was over...and then the dark cloud descended again. Oh well. Today the sun came out (literally and figuratively) and I was able to focus long enough to work on a project. There are a couple of women that befriended me while I was working at the elementary school. I just wanted to give them a little something to let them know that someone out there (me) appreciates the hard work they do. So I started by painting the blocks green. Why green, you ask...IDK...It just struck my fancy.
Then I painted over them with Heirloom White and let it dry. Then I gave them a good sanding.
I assembled the usual cast of characters....paper trimmer, Mod Podge, Distress Ink, glue, vinyl letters, tin clippers and sheet metal. I ended up not using most of these thing...but I like the way they turned out.
Teaching from the heart is what these women do. They are amazing.
This is the "before" shot of me on the first day that I had my braces. Wicked cool....Yeah, right!!
And the good news is...they are coming off in 3 weeks!! WOOHOO!!!! I am so over-the-top excited!! Just a bit more tweaking and I will be good as new!! Well...better than new I guess since this is the way they have always been.
I do hope the sun is shining where ever you are and you are able to get out and enjoy it!!

A Look Inside

On Sunday,I went to the ward in Nebraska that we will be attending. There are a lot of military families there, so they are used to new people. I put on my cutest "going to church" outfit. (I have found that if I am comfortable with what I'm wearing...I feel more confident.) I needed every ounce of confidence I had to walk in there. I'm not sure if you all know this...but I really am painfully shy. At times I can mask it with a joke or pretend that I am confident....but really I am very uncomfortable in new social situations. I have come a long way from where I was when we moved to Rigby (Idaho). I am more approachable and try to make eye contact. That being said...I put my best outfit and my game face on and marched in there feeling like I had my insecurities well hidden. As we walked into the chapel it all looked so familiar. The building is very similar to the one in Fargo....so right off the bat I was a little more at ease. We chose a bench, joking that we were displacing some family that had staked claim to this spot. As the room began to fill with families, I was struck at how many little kids there were. Seriously, wow....There were kids everywhere!!! It was nice in a way....normal even. As people came to us to introduce themselves I began to realize that they were all very friendly and no one was going to point and stare at the freakish new girl (with the stinkin' cute shoes!) A lady and her 4 little kids came to sit behind us. She introduced herself as Lacey (one of my very favorite names) and asked us to excuse her husband who was deployed recently to Katar (yeah...not sure on the spelling....but that is how it sounded) She is 15 week pregnant and happy that he will be home soon as his deployment was only for 5 months this time. sheesh....And I thought I had it rough. She was very excited to hear that we are originally from Idaho as she is an Idaho girl too!! Yep...Grace Idaho, and she knows some of the people (key to Jim's conversion) that we knew in Soda Springs. Small world. She pointed around the room and at a few women and added "She is from Idaho Falls. And Sister so-and-so is from Preston. And there are a few more...but I just can't remember right now." Talk about tender mercies. That might not sound like a big deal to most of you....but to me, it started to feel like home. Lacey went on to say that she and a group of really fun women get together the first Thursday of the month and have a GNO....(and I even knew what she was talking about!) She told me when I get there she will make sure I go with them because they have such a good time. By the time the meeting started I was feeling a little better about things. Later, as we were walking to Sunday School I will admit to feeling a little under-confident again. The ward isn't huge by any means....but there are more than 30 people for sure...and that is what I am used to now. Still, I thought I had my game face still in place and went on like this was no big deal. Met a few more people and didn't fall into "Pod of People" mode so I figured I was doing OK. Every Fast Sunday the Young Women meet with the Relief Society for opening exercises. I was struck by how many YW there were. I asked the lady next to me how many girls were in my sweet daughter's age group. She said there were 10! Ten girls in the 16-18 age group!! WOW!! There had to be about 20-25 girls in all. I was so happy for my girl. There will be girls in her school that she knows from church....built in safety net. After church ended one other lady came up to me. She looked my age....and had a baby that looked about 9 months old (as well as 3 other really cute little kids). She introduced herself and said she was from Preston, Idaho. Her hubby is a pilot and actually went to pilot school with a guy that went to my high school....weird...and COOL!! She seemed really nice. I will say that I did slip into "POP" mode for a second...she didn't seem to flinch too hard...so hopefully she will still want to be my friend. She and I discovered neither of us transitions well and we HATE to move. A kindred spirit...maybe....I will look forward to getting to know her better. When it was all said and done, I felt like I didn't do to bad. Jim tells me that the Bishop commented to him that I looked terrified. Well....crap....I thought I was hiding it so well. I guess the deer-in-the-headlights-look came off as just that. Scared...Oh well. I was. A really nice family invited us over (with the Sister Missionaries) for dinner. They have lots of teenagers (and OOPS...a 2 year old), so their house was full of life. I loved the feeling there. The day ended with me kicking off my shoes back at the hotel....happy. It's going to take a while for me to feel like I fit in....but it will happen....if I give it the chance.